How to be more assertive

Let’s talk about assertiveness. It's something that many people find difficult at times. There are certainly times when I've agreed to do something that I really wish I'd said no to, or I haven't been as direct about what I really wanted. Why do we find it so hard to get it right?

So often people mistake assertiveness with aggressiveness. The perception is to be assertive is to be either really bossy and telling everyone what to do, or else raising your voice and yelling at people of course that’s not being assertive but being aggressive.

Just be be upfront about what you want, or what you think about something, in a way that is respectful of the other person and in a way that you yourself would want to be treated. It is about standing up for yourself, without treading on other people’s toes. You need to accept that your needs are just as valid as everyone else’s and that you have every right to express them. In fact not just a right but a duty to yourself. There is no point always pleasing everyone else and leaving your own needs behind!

Listen to what the other person is saying. Keep an open mind and give yourself time to respond. Don't raise your voice or be quick to anger, and if you need to go away and think about it then be clear that you need to go away and state clearly that you will get back to them. Always be upfront and honest with people and yourself, and this will help you to gain their respect.

If you are making a case for something, say you want to ask for a pay rise, or you have an awkward conversation, make sure you prepare your argument in advance. Prepare! Write down a list of points you want to make... 'I deserve a pay rise because I've done x, y and z'... however don’t make it about what YOU have done, make it about what you have achieved for the other side!!

Don’t assume you deserve a pay rise, don’t compare yourself to a colleague it’s not about them! Always ALWAYS think WIIFT – What’s In It for Them (the others) – if the other side can see the benefit your argument will be so much more successful!

Remember it's about standing up for yourself, not tearing down others.

This works for giving a presentation, holding meetings – always think about

1. Your desired outcome

2. WIIFT

3. And prepare as much as you can. The more you prepare, and the more you can back up your argument, the easier it will be to present yourself and no need to even think about being assertive you will automatically come across as knowledgeable and confident.

A good tip is to watch other confident people - how do they behave in certain situations? What can you learn from them?

Always try to keep calm...breathe, maintain eye contact and good posture...and a tip if you are on the phone, stand up and walk around as you talk as you will instantly feel and sound more confident.

Graduated and can't find a job?

I've had an e-mail come in this week from a friend. Her son has recently graduated at University and he did really well, he got a 2:1 so congratulations! Well done. And in fact, well done to everyone out there reading this who has graduated this year as it's a super big achievement and I know it's been more challenging this year with Covid-19.

Her son has like many has a real hard time finding a job. It's so disheartening because, now, landing your first job is... for some people they land on their feet and for others...  it feels like a losing battle. And sometimes it CAN be just about being in the right place at the right time. One of my friend’s daughter left Uni during the 2008 'credit crunch' and she, along with quite a few of her classmates, ended up with jobs they were way over-qualified for but then 3 or 4 years later when the economy started to pick up...she kept her eye out for better jobs and kept applying and she landed herself a great job at a marketing company doing what she had studied.

So it's a really good example of how it can feel like all that studying at Uni, or at college, was for nothing...that your career is never going to take off, but please remember that things WILL pick up. Things will get better, and the jobs market will recover.

Of course, there are still some opportunities out there and job hunting is a life skill that takes practice and patience. Think about your approach to job hunting...where are you looking for jobs? Are there alternative job boards or places where you could be missing out on some potential opportunities?

Perhaps there are other roles you could be applying for that are slightly different to what you have studied but that you have the right skillset for. Many skills are transferrable - and there may be jobs you would be well suited for that you haven't even thought of.

Could you tighten up your CV or prepare yourself better for those interviews? Think through the questions that an employer may be likely to ask you, and prepare your answers. Really think about what YOU can offer a company...what are your strengths? What are your achievements, and what have you performed really well at in your studies?

And THE MOST important question is, are you doing something every day to improve your knowledge and your skills to distinguish yourself from everyone else?

If you need help with career advice, job search and getting your foot on the ladder then I can help with tailored advice that will give you the edge over your competition.

Too much screen-time?

How amazing is 2020? I mean, can you imagine if the lockdown had happened in 2003 and all you had was a dial-up 56k modem and an old Nokia 6310? Smartphones have been a godsend for us all. They have allowed us to order groceries, binge-watch Netflix series, pay bills, reach out to the community, keep fit, and work from home. As awful as the pandemic has been, technology has allowed us to live relatively well under the circumstances.

As the lockdown is winding down I wonder how many people are feeling like they've become TOO dependent on technology. It's not just about the practical uses, for many, I think being connected to the world via a smartphone has been a huge comfort while we've been socially distancing. Have you been using social media more? Features like endless scrolling and notifications on Facebook, etc are designed to be addictive and they exploit basic human desires to be liked and to be a part of something.

Sometimes it takes a major shake-up to spot when something becomes a problem. Going back a few years, a friend of mine lost her dad to cancer and it forced her to look at what was important in her life. Up to that point, she was constantly on her smartphone. She said it felt like there was an itch in her brain if she couldn't get to her phone. She admitted that she regularly wasted her days-off aimlessly scrolling through Facebook and Instagram, chatting idly on Messenger and WhatsApp... and before she knew it the day was gone. She'd felt it creeping up, but it was only when her dad passed away that it shocked her into taking action. She realised then how emotionally disconnected she had become from her husband and children. While she was physically in the room with them, she was miles away emotionally. Her husband complained that she was constantly checking her phone when they went out for a meal.

2 years on, she still feels that pull of social media, but she is strict with herself about limiting time on her device. Does this sound like you? What are some simple ways to manage screen-time?

Ask your phone provider to reduce your data limit to reduce temptation.
Suspend social media accounts, or delete the apps from your phone.
Turn off notifications.
Put your phone on silent at meal times or for an hour before bed.
Leave your phone in one spot in the house rather than carrying it around.
Use the blue-light reduction setting if your phone has one.

Technology is part of our lives, but it's important to use it sensibly and to take time away from the screen. As well as affecting your relationships, too much screen-time can cause insomnia, difficulty concentrating, headaches and eye-strain. Remember – you control your smartphone, don't let it control you.