How to be more assertive

Let’s talk about assertiveness. It's something that many people find difficult at times. There are certainly times when I've agreed to do something that I really wish I'd said no to, or I haven't been as direct about what I really wanted. Why do we find it so hard to get it right?

So often people mistake assertiveness with aggressiveness. The perception is to be assertive is to be either really bossy and telling everyone what to do, or else raising your voice and yelling at people of course that’s not being assertive but being aggressive.

Just be be upfront about what you want, or what you think about something, in a way that is respectful of the other person and in a way that you yourself would want to be treated. It is about standing up for yourself, without treading on other people’s toes. You need to accept that your needs are just as valid as everyone else’s and that you have every right to express them. In fact not just a right but a duty to yourself. There is no point always pleasing everyone else and leaving your own needs behind!

Listen to what the other person is saying. Keep an open mind and give yourself time to respond. Don't raise your voice or be quick to anger, and if you need to go away and think about it then be clear that you need to go away and state clearly that you will get back to them. Always be upfront and honest with people and yourself, and this will help you to gain their respect.

If you are making a case for something, say you want to ask for a pay rise, or you have an awkward conversation, make sure you prepare your argument in advance. Prepare! Write down a list of points you want to make... 'I deserve a pay rise because I've done x, y and z'... however don’t make it about what YOU have done, make it about what you have achieved for the other side!!

Don’t assume you deserve a pay rise, don’t compare yourself to a colleague it’s not about them! Always ALWAYS think WIIFT – What’s In It for Them (the others) – if the other side can see the benefit your argument will be so much more successful!

Remember it's about standing up for yourself, not tearing down others.

This works for giving a presentation, holding meetings – always think about

1. Your desired outcome

2. WIIFT

3. And prepare as much as you can. The more you prepare, and the more you can back up your argument, the easier it will be to present yourself and no need to even think about being assertive you will automatically come across as knowledgeable and confident.

A good tip is to watch other confident people - how do they behave in certain situations? What can you learn from them?

Always try to keep calm...breathe, maintain eye contact and good posture...and a tip if you are on the phone, stand up and walk around as you talk as you will instantly feel and sound more confident.